My Testimony: From Darkness to Light

What if I told you there was an answer to the emptiness you feel in your chest? A cure and answer for your crippling anxiety. What if I told you you could let go of the anger and bitterness you feel in your life? Whatever the thing is, controlling your life and holding you back can be destroyed. What if I told you there was something, or rather someone, who can help you get rid of and overcome each of these things?

I am here to tell you that there is someone who can destroy each of these things you’re feeling and completely change your life for the better. That someone is Jesus. You might not want to believe me, or you might not think what I’m telling you is true. But let me tell you what Jesus has done for me and how much he has changed me and my life, how He took me from anger, bitterness, and darkness to true joy, peace, and love.

To give you the full picture, we’re going to go way back, all the way back to my childhood. I grew up in a Christian home. I was born Amish, so going to church and the Gospel were a part of my life. I knew of Jesus, I knew of the Christmas story, and I heard about God at church. But I never truly knew or accepted Jesus into my heart. Going to church was a chore, and I had no desire to have a relationship with the Lord.

Growing up Amish, I didn’t go to public school. I went to a little one-room Amish school and graduated eighth grade when I was 14 years old, and was expected to start working soon after. (So, no, I didn’t go to high school.) When I was in the seventh grade, I had a teacher who I didn’t get along with. Long story short, she was telling my parents I was doing things I wasn’t and would try to get me in trouble. There were multiple instances of her doing and saying things that weren’t true and this destroyed my trust in people. All of this led me to be filled with a lot of anger and bitterness. I know it seems minor now and like such a small part of my life, but this is where my anger and bitterness started.

Fast forward to my sixteenth birthday. I started the Rumspringa season of my life. If you don’t know what this is, it’s a pretty big deal in Amish culture. It’s when we turn 16 and can go out and hang out with our friends on the weekend. A lot of people choose to either stay Amish and wear Amish clothes, and others choose to start wearing English clothes, get a phone, maybe a car, and go out and party on the weekends. This is crazy, I know, but it’s something that has been a part of the culture for years and honestly is a sad part of the culture.

After my sixteenth birthday, I chose to start wearing English clothes and go out and party on the weekends. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I simply didn’t care. I thought going out and getting drunk was “fun.” And it may have been in the moment, but I would always wake up the next morning with sadness and emptiness in my chest. I did this for years, trying to drown the anger and bitterness I felt with drinking and partying, but it didn’t work. No matter how much I tried to drink and have fun, the anger and bitterness was always there.

A couple of weeks after my eighteenth birthday, I was arrested. My friends and I were on the way to a party when we got pulled over. We were all underage and had alcohol with us. Me, thinking I was being the bigger person, claimed the alcohol. I spent a few hours in jail that night; I don’t remember how long it actually was, but it felt like it was forever. I remember sitting in the jail cell and just counting the cinder blocks in the wall. I felt afraid. I wanted so badly to leave and never be back there.

After I was arrested, I quit drinking, but I would still go to parties pretty much every weekend. I kept doing this for quite a few years. I still knew what I was doing was wrong, but I still simply did not care. When I was nineteen, I started taking evening classes to get my GED, and in 3 months I took the test and passed.

That December I moved to Florida with some friends for four months. This was my first time not living with my parents, and there was a freedom that came with that that I loved. This was also around the time I started thinking I didn’t want to go back to the Amish lifestyle, but I was afraid to tell my family because I didn’t know what they would say or how they would respond. While I lived in Florida, I started thinking I should change my life around and start going to church. I went to church a few Sundays but didn’t commit to making a complete change in my heart or life, and when I moved back home, I slipped back into my old ways. I didn’t go out and party as much anymore, but I did go to a lot of heavy metal and rock concerts and festivals. These concerts and festivals became a big part of my life; they had a grip on me. I loved them.

A few summers after I was back, I found out one of my friends, or someone who I thought was my friend, was spreading a lie about me and my best friend at the time. My best friend and I lived together and basically did everything together. They were telling people that my friend and I were a couple, which simply wasn’t true. I remember when I found out I was so angry; my whole body was shaking with anger. I couldn’t believe someone would spread a lie like that about me. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I lived in a small-town where everyone knows everyone, so whenever I went out, I was always afraid of what people thought or were saying about me. This hurt and betrayal led me to feel even more anger and bitterness. And I started to put up walls and didn’t trust anyone. I worked in the RV industry during this time, and I remember I would go to work and yell and cuss at people. I simply didn’t care. I was angry. I had a new coworker start at this time who later became a close friend, and she told me, “You were not a nice person when I started. I didn’t like you; you were mean.” Looking back, I am ashamed and embarrassed of the person I had become.

In the fall of 2017, I started to think about truly making a change in my life. I was tired of living the way I was living. I knew it wasn’t right. I knew I wasn’t saved, and if I died, I wouldn’t be going to Heaven. I attended a few different churches trying to find a place to belong. I remember looking at the people at the different churches and thinking, “I want what they have.” I wanted what they had so desperately, but felt like I couldn’t have it. I wanted their peace, their joy, their love. But I felt like I was being held back, and there was a wall up that wouldn’t let me have what they had. I knew I would have to turn my life around to have that, but honestly, I wasn’t ready. I still wanted to hold onto my lifestyle of going to heavy metal and rock concerts and doing whatever I wanted to. I knew if I changed my life around, I wouldn’t want to go to those places. And I wasn’t ready to give up that part of my life.

In the spring of 2018, I started going to church more seriously. I was ready for a change. I was tired of the way I was living. One Sunday morning at church, I was listening to the sermon, which was about Heaven and Hell. I remember sitting there and thinking, “What am I waiting on?” In this moment, I knew I wanted to accept Jesus into my heart and be baptized. I was tired of living the way I was living, and I wanted to make a change. I wanted more. After I made this decision, I felt the Holy Spirit come over me, and my whole body started shaking. I was so excited, but also so nervous.

My friends and I had planned to go to Vegas the same weekend my church was having baptisms. I had already told my friends that I would go with them, my ticket was paid for, and everything. But the moment I decided to accept Jesus and be baptized I didn’t care anymore. I knew in my heart that being baptized as a public declaration of my faith was more important than a trip to Las Vegas. Once I made this decision, I felt so free, so joyful, and so excited.

After I made this decision, I knew the next thing I needed to do was tell my parents and the rest of my family. I felt so afraid. I was afraid of what they would say or how they would react since I was choosing to live a different lifestyle from theirs. I was afraid they wouldn’t love me anymore or wouldn’t support me because of my decision. After I told them what I decided to do, I asked my parents if they still loved me. And I remember my dad told me, “Of course we do!” I then asked them what about the rest of my extended family? My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins—what about them, what will they say? And once again, my dad told me, “Well, they’ll just have to deal with it.” I know I didn’t need to have the approval of my parents to make this decision; I was doing this for me and to make my faith my own. But knowing that I had the support and love of my parents and family was so freeing and brought me so much joy. They realized that just because I chose to live a different life does not mean I don’t believe in the same God they believe in. We have the same faith but choose to live different lifestyles.

I was baptized Easter Sunday, April 1, 2018, with my family and friends in attendance. It was the best day of my life. The joy I felt that day is beyond anything I can describe or had ever felt before. I cried a lot. I cried tears of joy, tears of freedom, tears of relief. My life has changed. I am changed. I am no longer the person I was before I had Jesus in my life. The anger, hurt, and bitterness that once filled my heart are gone. My heart is filled with true joy, true peace, true freedom, and true love. It hasn’t been all sunshine and roses since giving my life to Jesus. But I promise you, friend, it has been so much better!

Let me tell you how much my life has changed for the better since accepting Jesus into my heart. The broken relationships in my life were restored. I went to nursing school. I passed classes I thought I was going to fail. I didn’t know what area of nursing I wanted to work in once I graduated. So, I started praying and asked the Lord to open doors that needed to be open and to lead me to the right job. I had a job shadow, an interview, and an offer all in the same night without ever applying for the position. I don’t know about you, but I call that a pretty open door. And now I get to work in an area of nursing that I love, even though it comes with a lot of challenges. I know that I am where the Lord wants me to be.

There have been multiple moments in my life that I know I wouldn’t have been able to get through without the Lord’s help. There was a time when I felt so alone; I felt like I had no friends. I started praying, and the Lord brought me friends and a community that is better than I ever had before. Friends who pray for and with me. Friends who hold me accountable and push me to be better. I struggled financially, but the Lord always provided and made a way even when it didn’t feel like it would be possible. I get to live out my dream and passion for medical missions. I get to travel the world helping people medically, while also sharing the amazing Jesus with them.

I want you to look at the pictures below. The girl on the left, she's broken. She's searching for something she will never find in the world. She's trying to fill a void in her life with drinking and partying. She's angry, she's bitter, and she's hurt. She's trying to convince herself she's living her best life and having so much fun, but in reality, she's miserable.

Now look at the girl on the right. She's not perfect at all, but she's different. She's been forever changed. She is truly at peace. She's filled with joy and love. She has a joy that stays, even on the hard days, a joy that doesn't change when circumstances change. She knows she's never truly alone. She always has Jesus with her in her heart. She is truly living her best life and is having so much fun. She is truly happy. That my friend is the power of Jesus!

Because of Jesus dying on the cross for me and my sins, I get to live a new life in Him. I get to live a life I always dreamed of and longed for. I am no longer the person I was ten years ago. I am no longer the person who was filled with anger, bitterness, and hurt. I am no longer the person who yells and curses at her coworkers. I am nowhere near perfect. But because of Jesus, I am made new. I am free. I have a heart filled with peace and true joy. Jesus changed everything! And I know if He did it for me, He will do it for you. There is no sin that is too big or too unforgivable for Jesus. All we need to do is ask Him into our hearts and ask for forgiveness of our sins. Jesus loves you and He's right there waiting for you to come back to Him!